Shame

My alarm goes off, waking me up from my sleep

I startle awake as I feel the shame start to creep

Into my mind as it fills every cranny, crevice and nook

Cause last night I fell hard by taking a bad look

At some junk online, and I knew it wasn’t right

But my flesh got to working, and it messed up my sight

Now I feel the weight of what I’ve done crush my spirit in two

Wishing I could go back to last night and start over anew

But I can’t. And now I’m lying here feeling so numb

As the guilt rushes in and has me feeling so dumb

Like how could I do this and find myself here once again?

I mean, I should be past this foolishness and never fall again

But here I am at the bottom of the same old pit

As the shame is drowning me and giving me fits

I wish I could do something to help me get over this pain

Instead of being owned by my shame- I think I’m goin insane.

I finally throw myself out of bed and fall to my knees

Cause I know I gotta pray to help my heart unfreeze

But as I throw up my prayers it feels like a pointless race

As if my prayers bounce off the ceiling and hit me back in the face

I know this is wrong to think and not really the case

But I can’t see past my shame and all of my disgrace

I don’t feel like I deserve the Lord to hear my prayer

Like He’s got bigger fish to fry and I don’t deserve his care.

My prayers feel weak, so I rise to eat some food

Hopin that maybe this will put me in a better mood

I stumble to the kitchen then grab some food off the shelf

But my shame reminds me of how much I hate myself

I shove the cereal down and then head over to the shower

Feeling terrible, remembering that church starts in less than an hour

I don’t wanna go to church, I just wanna run and hide

Though I know I need God’s presence and in Him abide

But my shame has me rebellin as it pulls at my side

Makin me feel entrapped and like I just wanna ride

Away from the place that can offer me God’s peace

Cause I feel like a phony while this shame won’t cease.

 I brush my teeth, wishing it was any other day

As if more time would some how make all of my shame go away

Then I step into the shower to wash my skin clean

Wishing it could go deeper and wash away the obscene

Images and idols that I have stored in my heart

Because I wasn’t able to escape Satan’s flaming darts

If only I could get free, then everything would be better

Instead of sitting in this shower like a shameful debtor

I feel so stuck, trapped, and like no light is gettin in

Plus I now hate myself for fallin to the same old sin

I didn’t wanna do it, God, I really really promise you that!

Though I know I fell again and in the process I spat

On your face like all the people there at Calvary

I’m really no better than them, and this is the truth I see

Because my heart is being torn up like Paul in Romans 7

Wondering if I’m even a Christian and really goin to Heaven?

The water keeps runnin down my face as I continue to search

For excuses I could use to stay away from church

But church ain’t for the healthy, no it’s really for the sick

And right now it’s the only hope for my heart of brick

So I rise up and get dressed though I still feel like dirt

Wondering if the shame will ever relent of its hurt.

When I arrive to church I place on my familiar mask

Cause pretending like I’m perfect is always my task

But it’s an exhausting act that’s got me feelin worn down and beat

Cause I’m dyin inside and need relief from all this defeat

From my shame and guilt that is having its say

If only I could be free and find a better way

But I drag my feet into church and put on my fake smile

So I can hide from everyone all of my shame and trials

I find my friends and settle into my normal seat

As worship starts with the drop of a catchy beat

Hands go up in praise but mine stay down by my side

Cause if I raise them up now I would feel like I lied.

Finally after a few songs, it’s the time to pray

Please forgive me, God, I’m sorry, please forgive me I say

Over and over again to myself like I somehow gotta earn it

Cause I grieved the Holy Spirit and can’t really discern it.

As the sermon begins my heart still feels in a rut

But the pastor drops Gospel truths and it starts to cut

Into my heart and get my focus away from my sin

And instead turn it to my Savior and that in Him I win

All of God’s mercy, love, peace and beautiful grace

Cause He hung on the cross and He took my place

As He absorbed all God’s wrath so I could be His son

I owe it all to Christ because of all that He’s done

To make a way for eternal life and to set me free

Cause when the Son sets you free then you are free indeed

His mercies are new every morning, and He wipes the tears from my face

He lavishes me with kindness, love, and all of his grace

He has removed my sins as far as the east is from the west

He desires to prosper me and only give me His best

I didn’t earn any of this, it’s all because of His favor

That I’ve been set free and can finally savor

The promise that my debt is paid in full because of Christ’s blood

He’s washed away all my debt with his graceful flood

And He sealed me with His Spirit so I certainly

Have been saved and take part fully in His eternal victory

My heart is now finally melting like the last spring snow

As I finally feel the clarity of which way I should go

I resolve to confess my sin to another Christian brother

Cause we are called to walk in the light with one another.

Be free, O my soul, cause His yoke is easy and light

He has crushed sin and death by His glorious might

So get off me, shame, you really have no further place

Cause my Savior broke my chains by His amazing grace

So when I feel temptation tryin to creep its way back in

I’ll fix my eyes upon Jesus who put an end to my sin.

The service ends and I walk out with a real smile on my face

Cause I’ve been redeemed and set free by the good Lord’s grace

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me a brand new start

And creating in me a right spirit and a fully clean heart

Praise be to God for His salvation through His perfect Son

All praise to Jesus, my Savior, the truly glorious one!

Beneath the Weight of Sin

A few months ago I published a post called “It’s Time to be From Pornography.”  While the post received very little public feedback, it was my second most read post… within 2 hours…  Since that time, I knew the Lord was calling me to be more open about this area of my life because people who are struggling need hope.  I’ve waited and prayed and prayed some more, and the following post is what the Lord has laid on my heart.  This post is  raw and honest.  I try not to hold any proverbial punches because I feel like my readers need to know that there is someone who can relate to the emotions they may be feeling, and more importantly- there is hope.  Wherever you find yourself in relation to the weight of sin, may you know that you are founded in Christ’s love.

    *          *          *

It’s a crushing place to be.  It’s exhausting.  It makes every day feel like a struggle.  It drains us of joy.  We feel disconnected and alone.  We feel helpless and often hopeless.  We feel trapped with no way out.  Freedom doesn’t even seem like a possibility.  We would give anything just to change this one area of our lives.  Is it really too much to ask…?  Most days it does feel like too much to ask.  We find ourselves falling time and time again to the same sin time and time again… and each time we become more and more numb to the thought that maybe freedom really is possible.

We’re like a little kid at the ocean who gets knocked over by a wave.  Right when he stands back up and gets his bearings *SMACK* another wave knocks him down… then *SMACK* another one… and *SMACK* another one, but this time he loses his swim trunks with the wave…  Just like the kid at the beach, sometimes our waves keep coming and won’t stop.  It’s an unrelenting onslaught.  Next, the riptide catches our feet, and soon we find ourselves drifting so far away from the safety of the shore, wondering how in the world we ended up in our current place.  Even more perplexing is the thought of how to get back to the shore.  It seems impossible… and then more hopelessness sets in… Who could possibly save us…?

This is life beneath the weight of sin.  It comes in many flavors, but they are all equally suffocating.  Perhaps you are addicted to a drug and the grip of the high won’t let you go.  Maybe you just wanted to lose a few pounds, but now you’re addicted to your image and controlling your body in an unhealthy way.  Maybe you went too far with a girlfriend or boyfriend and now the shame makes you feel like you can’t turn back.  Maybe what started as a few “quick glances” at pornography has turned into an all out addiction, and everyday feels like a struggle for your sanity.  Perhaps you’re even married yet still struggling with pornography… or perhaps your spouse may be the one struggling but you’re the one stuck bearing the brunt of the pain.  Maybe you can’t stop working because you’re addicted to chasing the next big promotion while your friends and family suffer.  Regardless of your sinful preferences, life beneath the weight of sin crushes us.

My Life Beneath the Weight of Sin

There was a time in my life where I was most definitely living beneath the weight of sin.  If I can just be honest, my life beneath the weight of sin was directly related to struggles with pornography.  Choices I made in high school years before I even knew about a relationship with Jesus Christ set me up for a long battle with this ugly sin.  Once I became a Christian, I knew I had to cut out this sin from my life.  However, the flesh rarely dies very easily.  What ensued was a huge roller coaster battle to purge this sin from my life.  Initially, there were some seasons of success, and some seasons of flat out failure where the crushing weight of sin seemed to always have the upper hand.  Being a Christian and still falling to this sin was particularly demoralizing.  I would question the genuineness of my faith.  I would try to hide my sin out of fear of being “found out.”  This only made it worse, but I was petrified of being exposed because I felt like the real me was ugly, hypocritical, and directly opposed to what I publicly stood for.  “How could I go to church then turn around and find myself back in this miry pit?” I would often ask myself in despair.  Many times I would feel the riptide of my flesh come over me, and soon I found myself drifting out to sea, hopelessly wondering how I got so far away from the shore yet again…

The One Who Was Crushed Beneath the Weight of Sin

Perhaps you just read that last paragraph and are shocked and confused.  However, my sense is that virtually everyone can relate to a similar past or present season like the one I described above, even if it was not related to lustful sin.  So what do we do when we find ourselves crushed beneath the weight of sin?  What hope do we have when we feel so utterly lost and like we’ve out-sinned any chance of redemption?  There’s only one hope I found that is powerful enough to save us even in our darkest, lowest moments… and that hope is found in Jesus Christ, the one who willingly was crushed beneath the weight of sin so we don’t have to be crushed any longer.  Jesus was beneath the weight of sin on the cross and then in the tomb.  He then pulled the ultimate reversal by crushing sin and bursting forth from the grave in a glorious resurrection (Matt 28:1-10).

When things appear hopeless, we need to remember that Jesus took our hopelessness on his shoulders in the form of the cross.  He took the weight of our sin and absorbed it all as he hung there (2Cor5:21).  He was the object of every last drop of God’s wrath towards our sin (Isa53:8).  And because of this, our debt is paid in full, and we are forgiven (Rom4:25, Gal3:13-14).  Because of this God has separated our sins from us as far as the east is from the west (Psalm103:12).  He has thrown them into a sea forgetfulness (Micah7:19).  We are forgiven, and we are saved!  Though we deserve punishment, mercy is ours instead.  Though we deserve wrath, grace is ours instead (Rom8:1).  Though we deserve hatred, love is ours instead.  Though we deserve death, life (and life more abundant and free than we could ever imagine) is ours instead (John10:10).

So when  you find yourself beneath the weight of sin, please know that you DO have hope. There is a way out.  Turn to Jesus, the man who was willingly crushed by sin for us (Gal 2:20).  He desires life for you.  He desires freedom.  When you’re being pulled out by the riptide, please know that you can be saved.  There IS a way out from beneath the weight of sin.  Jesus saved me from being crushed, and He redeemed my life.  He can save you too.  Turn and repent to God, and Jesus will rescue you and place you firmly back on the rock of his salvation on the shore.